Lack of will, where I stand with no time to kill, can I find the motivation?
Ease not even into the solemn practice of masturbation, I stop mid pump and contemplate the reasons why. For the better part of this year I have been asking myself why, or why not to the great effect of me wanting to do something, yet lacking motivation to try. So as I sit here with my ass muscles still pulsating from myself nearing climax only to stop out of boredom, or ejection of care to even pleasure myself, I have to wonder, why.
This year has not been kind, a blur of clock and day, calendar numbers are just as erasable as my dreams, I don’t know what they are when I wake up, and I forget to try and remember them when I sleep. However it is not for lack of trying, it is lack of motivation to do, that is, to execute a planed schedule and stick to it.
I always struggle with maintaining schedule, I get lazy, and compounded with stress, depression and lack of care, my schedules tend to lose their adhesive. A powder keg of forced sadness, delusional psychosis, I tread the very still waters that have been knee deep since I was born, I only pretend the waves are crashing overhead. This particular blemish of mind has lasted far too long in my opinion. I have not talked about it and for the first time in a while I felt motivated to write, so I will lay it down as best I can.
I failed my math course last semester after working over 100 hours over the semester on this class, only the fail the final exam, thus failing the class. This messed up my plans to go to a university in the fall semester and I became depressed.
This depression followed another hard time in my life where we had to move out of our house of five years, and live in a RV in the backyard of a friend for a month and a half until we found a new place. During this time in that RV I was not willing to do much of anything, upset and angry at my failure, I became unable to fixate on a schedule that was to the betterment of myself. I stopped exercising and relied on a diet of cookies and Frasier with the occasional break to whip my dick out and try not to spurt cum on the floor of the RV. This whole time was long enough to make me forgo all my learned scheduling the past year and a half I worked hard on sticking to. I did not exercise and became lethargic, even though I walked my dog twice a day, this schedule of hers unfortunately was not for my benefit. All this time in that RV erased my behavior faster than an etch-a-sketch found in the garage during a move with the attempted dick still drawn on it.
When we finally moved into this house, all the depression and anger were suppose to fade, I was going to go back to the gym, exercise in the morning, cut out all the sugar from my diet, but I have not… and it has been three months almost. Abandoning my schedule meant that my school schedule was fucked as well, I have no schedule and now finally at the tail end of this semester, I’m trying to follow one. This again compounded my stress to maximum levels. I started to just give up, keeping myself focused on class has altered my motivation to do anything else.
This stress I think is the spark that ignited my lack of care to better myself, this melting motivation has wasted away my potential. I am left but a seed in roaring wind, carrying me to a patch of soil that will not help me grow.
Can I find motivation in this place I’ve filled with shadow? It will take something in me to push my feet out that door just once, just to breathe a sigh, it is always hard to move into that initial footstep, but if cannot find the motivation to take it, I won’t last much longer here today. This will to be exceeds my need to finish a good rub out in the late hours of night, I need this more than anything.
I want to be motivated again, I want to know I making myself better, and above all else, I want to know that when I start pounding my dick to milf porn, I have the motivation to climax.